Our ideas evolve over time. Sometimes it’s a slow, gradual process as deep reflection and/or new evidence slowly tips the scales. Other times it hits you like a flash of lightning, and there’s a quantum change of view. My personal quantum shift story is on marriage rights.
By way of background, I played music for the dance department in college, and worked as a “dealmaker” in Hollywood for decades. I had the good fortune to both work for and with many in the LGBTQ+ community. They were always welcoming and never discriminated against me because I happened to be straight. As a negotiator, it’s in my nature to always strive to understand all sides of an issue and mediate a path to middle ground, even when it involves compromise. However, I learned when it comes to fundamental civil rights, compromise is not the answer.
In the late 2000s I joined a jazz vocal group, and became good friends with Steve, the bass voice who was always next to me in rehearsals and on stage. He was literally a rocket scientist at Houston, with a genius IQ. He is witty, insightful, funny and incredibly caring. One day we were hiking in the Angeles National Forest and got to talking about marriage rights. Although I personally felt everyone had the right to marry, I also recognized society had a long religious and political history that made it seem like an impossible goal. I was wearing my mediator hat, and was advocating the “civil union” compromise where people in the LBGTQ+ community could have enforceable rights to jointly own and transfer property, along with the other “legal” aspects of marriage, but not using the term marriage.
That was also the view of many caring politicians, including then senatorial candidate Barack Obama. In our discussion Steve was passionate in his belief that it’s a fundamental civil right, but I was concerned about what was practically achievable. What’s wrong with a civil union? Doesn’t that effectively create equal rights? Then Steve stopped on the trail, turned to face me, took off his sunglasses, looked me directly in the eyes and said, “It’s not the same.”
Wow! It hit me like a lightning bolt. Marriage is a fundamental civil right for all people…no exceptions or compromise…period.
Of course we know Obama’s views “evolved” over time, and in 2012 he stated “I’ve just concluded that — for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that — I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.” The next year the Supreme Court overturned the Clinton era Defense of Marriage Act, that had prevented the federal government from recognizing same sex marriages. In 2015, in a 5-4 decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, the Supreme Court extended the federal right to marry to same-sex couples. In 2022, Congress passed the Respect for Marriage Act mandating that both federal and all state governments recognize and respect all marriages, without discrimination based on gender, sexual orientation, national origin, ethnicity, or race.
One might think it’s settled, but not so fast. In today’s polarized political environment, the renewed influence of religion in politics and the erosion of stare decisis, these hard fought rights are under challenge on many sides.
Although I am in the disability rights lane, I travel on the civil rights highway. Steve’s simple statement is so powerful. I will stand as tall as I can to honor and advocate his truth. As a nation we can’t compromise on fundamental civil rights. I wish everyone could have the benefit of looking into his eyes and feeling the undeniable impact of these few words…It’s Not the Same.
Copyright John Drinkwater 2024 All Rights Reserved Turn Up the Quiet TM
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